Do you recall how exciting it was early in your married life? What happened to the joy of initial days? Why has the charm vanished quickly? Can we reignite the relationship with renewed energy? Let us examine the answers to these questions here.
Mind is a wonder. When a certain thing is desired for, till it is attained, the mind imagines innumerable benefits and derives great pleasure from these dreams. I fell in love with Radha Eswar when she walked into my computer training center in 1988. I still remember how excited I was to see her. She charmed me into her world. My days used to pass thinking, talking and spending time with her. My mind was focused on winning her heart. Persistence paid. Almighty was kind to arrange our marriage. However, once the desire was fulfilled, the mind tired from imagining the non-existent defects about her. It is the nature of narrow-mindedness. Have you fallen prey to such a mentality?
Our society does not prepare young minds systematically for marriage. A certain fatigue is unavoidable in any relationship. How do we overcome this tiredness?
I developed a simple technique that helps me even today. Every week, usually on Sundays, I sit in silence for a few hours. I list my expectations, disappointments, and imaginary desires about my wife. I then introspect over the list. Initially, the list was quite long. I took each item on the list and asked myself if the expectation was necessary. Expectation leads to disappointment. These are two sides of the same coin. I took a resolution to get rid of my expectation about her. Without expectations and disappointments, life gradually started to become exciting again.
I also listed down the characteristics that were highlights of her positive behavior. Here is a partial list of her characteristics.
- Amusing and comical.
- Rightfully angry at injustice.
- Energetic. Never tired. Sleeps very little.
- Damn attractive and pretty.
- Genuinely beautiful.
- Never boring.
- Careful in protecting her closed ones.
- Carefree and chirpy when she knows everyone is safe.
- Charms people.
- Clever like a trader when needed.
- Confident even when making a mistake.
- Crafty in achieving things with available resources. A trait her children have inherited.
- Crazy as hell in adventures about what is right for the planet.
- Highly dependable.
- Easy going. You can chat with her for hours without being judged.
- Exciting. Different experience each time. Never the same.
- Ready to be helpful at any time.
- Humble and unassuming.
- Never gives up on people.
- Considerate to all life forms.
- Like-able and presentable to the public.
- Friendly and warm.
- Success oriented.
- Never gives up.
- Practical when she is pushed to the corner.
- Romantic at all other times.
- Stingy when she needs to indulge for her needs.
- Generous when she needs to help the poor and needy and particularly who work hard and loyal.
- Unquestionably loyal to her people and causes.
- Youthful at heart.
- Ambitious to a point that benefits all.
- Easily approachable by anyone.
- Content and non-greedy.
- Efficient and organised.
- Fair and just.
- Excitable with adventurous ideas that are creative and innovative and useful for the world.
- Impatient for progress.
- Quick to judge people correctly.
- Cooperative and team-spirited.
- Detailed oriented.
- People leader.
- Deeply involved in things she does.
- Excellent writer.
- Great Researcher.
- Sensible Designer.
- Best manager of financial tight times.
Why would I ever want anything better from her? I got a dream package as a gift from God.
I am certain that your spouse is your dream come true. If you wish to create that missing spark in your married life, I suggest that you begin by listing the positive aspects of your partner. Praise the good and highlight the positives in your life partner. Learn to deal tactfully with partner’s defects and help to fix them. Life will be prosperous. Both partners must compete to notice the specialty in each other and compliment worthy efforts and achievements. However, avoid overdoing it so that genuine adoration does not lose respect as mere flattery.
In a few families, either the husband or the wife may be famous; applauded by public. One may expect the life partner to commend one’s achievements just like how the society appreciates. There may be an intricate fact here. The life partner may be silently soaking in the success and fame of the dear one. The achievement of one by itself becomes a priced possession of the other.
Therefore, compliments from the life partner may become meaningless. By not realizing this truth, one may be disappointed and worried without hearing the expressed appreciation in words or gestures from the life partner. It is an unwanted thought. When public acclaims, one need not despair about the lack of appreciation from husband or wife. One need not take the life partner’s lack of visible attention as disregard or neglect.
Your turn. Share your thoughts. We would love to learn.
Krish Murali Eswar.